Most people agree that being happy is more important than being right. But if that’s true, why do so many persons frequently choose the opposite? In doing so, they either blame themselves (“I am not good enough”) or blame others (“you are not good enough”).
Whether it is self- blame or blaming others, in both ways the blamer hangs on to its own ideas and perceptions as though his or her life depended upon this view. Often this happens when manipulation consciously or unconsciously is being introduced in the conversation.
Persons that manipulate can seem to be strong personalities, but they are not. Often, they are only interested in their reasoning and not at all interested in the relationship or in the team. Often manipulators have low self-esteem and have difficulties in accepting other’s points of view. They even might be afraid of losing what they have and blame others to be egocentric, selfish, and indifferent, without realizing that they project and see themselves in others.
This not only holds for people with a mental disorder, but it holds for many people that are working together. For most persons, I included, it is difficult to see by themselves how they stick to their perceptions and truth. Unawareness of their own bias will then create a cost for the organization.
When you are facing such a situation, it is important that you do not get involved in a power-game that ends with winners and losers. If you are struggling with such conversations, it is good to find a great leader or an executive coach to help you get unstuck. They will look for the greatness in you and recognize who you are.
One thing that you can already start with today, is taking good care of yourself.
Create the psychological space and safety and have an internal conversation with your brain that you see yourself as an adult person that does not allow for any way of blaming or manipulation. Step into the possibility that you are more than good. YOU ARE GREAT!
Here is an exercise for starting that conversation with your brain. Make your brain understand and let it know about your intentions. Use these sentences in a daily ritual:
● I promise myself that fear, duty, and guilt will not determine my decisions;
● I promise myself that I will learn how to take care of myself;
● I promise myself that when I fall back in old patterns that do not serve me anymore, this will not be an excuse for me to give up;
● I promise myself to not waste my time and learn from my failures, even when it hurts;
● I promise myself that I will take good care of myself. That I am enough and okay, the way I am.
Would this be a helpful exercise for you?
Please let me know if I can help you have that inner conversation with your brain to let it know that you are good enough.
Executive Coaching with Attune is probably one of the most – if not the most – individually tailored interventions in my work as a professional. It involves a confidential relationship and trust between me as a coach and the senior manager or leader being coached.